Help!

I have no idea why my pictures on my blog aren't showing. can anyone help me with this? Please and thank you!

Im still alive lol

Its been a while since I've last blogged but Im still alive. My weightloss jouney had been slow but its still going. Life has been ok for us. Im actually really impressed at how well I am handling everything from my motherly/wife duties, to holding 2 callings as the ward bulletin and primary music director and just life in general. Sometimes I just want to throw in the towl and call it quits but I choose not to.
Anyway, the man above is really testing my patience...my sanity! Whatever it is..I really do believe that everything happens for a reason. Even if its not how we expect it to be. I know he has something better in store for us. So Lance got fired from his job yesterday:( I know right before xmas! And like I said, Im REALLY happy with how we, as a couple, have been handling the situation! We could be arguing with eachother, trying to figure out what in the world we're going to do esp since xmas is coming up but we've been nothing but calm and keeping a positive attitude about it. If this was me 2 or 3 years ago I'd be going off on Lance haha but all jokes aside..His boss is a douche bag lol A person with no heart, knowingat xmas is coming up, we have kids and he fires Lances because he finds out that he's going to s different company that will pay him more and is one of their competitors! bunch of bs right? like seriously can we file a law suit for that haha ;) jk but thats the situation were in right now. We are hoping Lance will stsrt soon with the company that my brother is in. We're not stressing about tho. We know everything will be ok:) I remind myself everyday that someone else out there has it 10x worse than I so why stress about it? We have a roof over our head, food on the table and 2 amazing boys who are HAPPY, no matter the circumstance. Im counting my blessings! Praying that u all will have a wonderful holiday! :) (sorry about all the typos! Blogging from mu phone annndd I have fat fingers lol)

Failed

Yesterday was HORRIBLE! I failed as a mother. I had no patience whatsoever, everything irritated me, my kids were getting on my nerves because they fight every day, and I wasn't havin any of it! I went off on my kids, fasi'd them harder then I usually do, yelled at them etc; I hated myself after doing that. So I literally locked myself in my room and cried! It wasn't their fault. It was mine. After a good 10 minutes to myself, I apologized to Dre and Zee. I held them for the longest time. They were just being kids...they play, they fight and they mess up their room everyday. Sometimes one will get hurt, like zee yesterday, he got his hand stuck in the back of the door and Drey kept closing it on him. But that's life! My kids are never gonna be perfect...no kid will. Before bed, I prayed to HF fm to give me more patience. To forgive me for my actions yesterday. I really felt guilty about it all. 

One thing that has been a big distraction is FACEBOOK! So I deactivated it at least until I can have some self control. I'm addicted to it and I'm not ashamed to admit it. I would spend hours on it from when I wake up to when I go back to sleep and it made me forget sometimes that I need to be better at doing more productive things. Taking my kids for a walk, reading to them, playing with them more. So it's goodbye to FB now. I sincerely asked god to help me with this problem of mine. It's much easier said than done. 

Been having a lot of thoughts about going back to college and trying out for volleyball or even basketball! Ughh! Wishful thinking! I even planned everything in my head as to who will watch my kids, how I'm gonna manage school, sports and being a mother/wife haha ok! I act like I already made the team lol I miss it! Even if its just for one season. I just miss playing! My athletic level is probably waaay below than the girls that are now playing these days but I guess it was fun to think about it. "23 yr old mom...2 kids...she's a beast on the court" Bahaha jk then reality hits me and I'm way past my playing years! Maybe just a little!  I have a crappy knee and this extra skin slows me down lol Dang  it! Guess I'll stick to outside leagues :) Happy Friday!!!

You know what I really hate? When people have the nerve to tell other people that they are FAT. How rude! I honestly don't get it? Didn't your mom teach you how to have some respect? I've come across some of those before and I've always responded with a joke or pretended like it didn't phase me. But it did. I could never not care of what people think when it came to this situation. As much as I tried, it would hurt me and the only person who knew about my low self esteem problem was my husband. When I first moved to Washington, one of his cousins would always make Fat remarks about me. She'd say things like "your getting Fat Tilly" or "Before I met you, I thought you'd be skinny" things like that and when I'm behind closed doors, I would cry to my husband! He would always get mad and immediately wanted to call his cousin, but I wouldn't let him. I didn't want to make a big deal out of it, because it really wasn't a big deal! It's just ME letting things like that get to me.

I was around 225 lbs at the time. For some, they'd say that's not fat. but inside my head was another story. I was always hard on myself. I hated the way I looked, I hated that I couldn't fit into certain clothes, Something that I loved...turned into something that I dread doing- Shopping! I couldn't find anything to wear that I felt comfortable in. I hated that I was bigger than my husband. My self esteem was at it's lowest point and when people would make fat comments it didn't make anything easier so I would just cry. I blame no one but myself. My husband was always there comforting me, telling me that I am beautiful no matter what the number on the scale says. He would always refer to the song "Don't Change" by Musiq  Souldchild and that always made me feel 10x better. I love him so much for that! For just being there.

I am happy to say that I am not that girl anymore! In less than 5 months, I have more confidence in myself, I feel amazing, and it feels good not to hide behind my kids when taking pictures, or worrying about what I look like. I'm not the skinny girl that I was in high school, I still got my curves lol but again, I just feel AMAZING! I couldn't be any more happy knowing that I did this all on my own. I was tired of feeling the way I did, and I fixed it. Seeing that number on the scale go down was the best feeling ever. It pushes you to keep going! 

My husband and my kids have been my biggest supporters. When I would do insanity, my boys would sometimes do it with me. I believe that if I set goals to live a healthy life, my kids will do the same! Of course, there are gonna be days where I want to give up (like this past week) but I'm not going to let that one slip up stop me. I've come to far to stop.

New Me.

Happy Life.

Feeling Good!

I hope I can inspire someone out there. Anyone. Being overweight is not easy, emotionally and physically. But hang in there! Don't let people like the ones mentioned about bring you down, instead use it as your motivation...to prove them wrong. Change for the better. Don't do it for anyone but YOURSELF. 

I'm sooo Grateful for the support I get from my friends and family. You all are amazing!

Progress Pictures:

Getting my Insanity Workout on! Finished week 2. My 3rd week was a Fail so I am going to start all over on Monday. I know I can do better and take less breaks so here we go!! 

GOALS:

CW: 192

GW: 145

This is how I'm feeling right now. Time won't ever heal this heart of mine. I miss my Dad so much. I think it's now just hitting me that he's really gone. I've been in denial for so long, It was easy for me to think that he's just a phone call away. My kids are a daily reminder of him. When Drey says prayer, he says, "HF please bless my Papa so he can come back to us." I cry everytime. I wish he could!

Missing him soooo badly! 

Tonight I only wish to dream of him.

I love you Dad

Dads Song

This was my Dads favorite song! The last time we came to Utah, he picked us up from the airport and I remember him bumpin this song so loud while in the car. One thing I have learned from my dad, is to LOVE! He had the biggest heart. He was always giving to others, never hesitated to say no. Growing up, there were a lot of people who stayed at our house when they needed a place to stay. My Dad always welcomed my brothers and sisters friends to stay with us until they were back on their feet.
I think I take after my Dad a lot. He taught me to always look to the good in everyone, to always give service unto others and most of all, he taught me how to love my husband. He loved my Mom so much and did everything for her. Everyone knew that. Like my Uncle John would say, "Your Dad would do anything to  make your mom happy, even if it means doing something illegal." lol and the same goes for his children.

He spent a lot of time at my Uncle Johns house when my mom was away. They were best friends! In my Dads words, this is what he told John:

"Brother, If I ever pass, I want JB and the family to sing this song for my funeral, dedicated to my wife" (as he gives the CD to him with the song "Loimata Maligi")

It was a love song and there wasn't a dry eye that day when we sang. My Dad must of known his time was coming soon.

I think thats why I expect so much from Lance...because I see how my Dad treats my mom, and how he spoiled her. Never missed a birthday, anniversary, mothers day etc; He always cooked for her and so much more. Anyway, I am jumping all over the place with this post. This song will always be one of my favorites. My cousins are amazing and I want to thank them for their time and effort that they put into helping us with the funeral! With little practice with this song, it couldn't have been any better!